


Attack on Mahala

by itsbiggerthanlife



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28265007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsbiggerthanlife/pseuds/itsbiggerthanlife
Summary: Mahala Dinan was destined to be nothing from birth. As an outcast in society and her own family, she joins the scout regiment, determined to prove herself worthy of honor, respect and love.What she discovers is that she's actually destined for something bigger than ANYONE could have anticipated. This destiny puts her under the supervision of a certain grumpy captain, Levi.LevixOC. ErenxOC. Black female lead.
Relationships: Eren Yeager/Original Female Character(s), Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

There's something about almost losing everything that changes you completely. There's something about almost losing the things that remind you that you're still living and breathing, that snatches even the faintest of breaths from your lungs. 

I've never had anything to live for. I've never felt truly alive. I'm aware that I'm existing, but I've never felt real. I have never had anything worth holding onto, anything that made me want to keep breathing. So, when I met him, and my breath was stolen from my very being, I knew that for the first time in forever, I had something to be alive for.

Mahala Dinan. The name of an obsolete, insignificant and hopeless creature. An absolute loser. Me. From the very moment I was born, I was destined to be weak and at the mercy of other's strengths. I was never meant to be loved, or nurtured, or made to feel important or significant at any time or any place. 

My name, Mahala, comes from an ancient language called Hebrew, which my parents studied as students. It means to be weak and sick. I am not the son that they desired, and I am not the savior that they had imagined. I'm just the daughter that they never wanted. So, they took one look at me and saw failure. Before I even let out my first cry, before they could even look into my eyes and see my soul, they'd already decided that I'd never be enough.

They weren't necessarily wrong though. I am weak, and I'm not successful at anything. I'm a thin, five-foot disappointment that has zero brawn, zero brains, and zero beauty. I can't help them with the farm, I can't receive an extensive education to break free from their house, and I can't even be married off to a young bachelor, because I just don't have the face for it.

Everything about me makes me a target for unwanted attention and bullying. My family and I are the only black people within Wall Rose. Most people are white, I've witnessed a couple of Asians, but we are the only blacks. Because my skin is the color of umber, my big eyes are the color of coal, and because my black, frizzy hair is not what most are accustomed to, my appearance garners me stares everywhere I go. I wish that for once, people would look at me because they think I'm so beautiful, but I know it's just because I'm different, and they've never seen anything like me before.

After wall Maria was attacked two years ago, we got a lot of refugees that flooded into Wall Rose. I thought that maybe with all these new people, and all these new faces, attention may have been taken off me. That maybe for once, nobody would notice how different I am, but it only proved that there's no one like me out there and that I really am alone.

I could drown in my thoughts. I could sit here and just think, think, think if anybody ever allowed me to. Of course, they never do.

"Get up now." My mother bit out at me sharply. I flinch hard. You'd think after fourteen years I would be used to the hatred in her voice, in her stare, in her entire existence, but one never gets used to being mistreated. One never gets used to not being loved by the one person who's supposed to love them unconditionally.

"What's the problem?" I squeak out.

"You do absolutely nothing around this house. You offer nothing. Why are you still here? All you do is sit around and stare off into space all day. Wasting time and wasting precious air. You're such a waste of life." she barked out at me. I know that she doesn't want me here. I don't want to be here, but I have nowhere to go.

"I don't know what you want me to do. I don't know where you want me to go. Where would you have me go, mother?" I asked. My voice was desperate and quiet. I could feel that something bad was coming.

"You can't stay here, taking up all my valuable time and money. You're not smart, you're not pretty, and you're not even skilled enough to farm. That leaves you with two options. You can both leave my house and join the garrison, or you can leave my house and just be homeless. Your pick." She said bluntly.

My heart beat like a drum in my chest. I felt fear swell in my heart until it felt like it would explode. She's kicking me out. I could either try to make it on the streets or go train to protect humanity.

"Mother, you know that I wouldn't survive even a minute on the streets. A life of thuggery, thievery, and begging is not an existence even I am destined for. You also know I wouldn't survive a minute in the military. They're tasked with protecting everyone against the dangers of the world. You really want to leave the fate of humanity in my hands?" I spewed out quickly.

"Calm down, over-dramatic idiot. All the garrison do is patrol around the markets and get drunk. They risk absolutely nothing and protect even less. It's a job with so little requirements even you can do it. Do not make a mockery of my intelligence with fake concerns." She spat.

"I'm not making a mockery of you! My concerns are valid and real. Two years ago, Wall Maria fell to titans, and the garrison was caught in the brunt of all the action! It is a job that comes with risks and sacrifice! It's no longer just a game!" I yelled loudly. She wasn't hearing me, she wasn't even hearing herself.

"Well good, finally my tax dollars are being used for more than supplying drunkards with more booze and whores. I'm not arguing with you Mahala, you aren't worth the energy or the breath. You can both go to the garrison and enjoy your free meals and leisure, or you can somehow try to live through a night on the streets. It is of no concern to me what you choose, you will still leave my dwelling." She said calmly. The fact that she was calm let me know she had completely made up her mind.

I've been mistreated, and I've been torn down for my race and appearance, and none of those things ever broke me the way my mother has broken me down over the years, but this broke me completely. She's just sent me to two death sentences, she really doesn't love me.

The room became eerily silent, and the sound of my own heart quaking in my chest unsettled me, so I looked up at my mother. She was staring out the window with blank, glazed over eyes. She reminded me of myself when I drift away into the depths of my mind. I thought the conversation was officially over until she spoke again.

"I will say this Mahala. The streets will give you nothing, the same way you've given me nothing. You will only know misery, you will only know begging for others to aid your survival. You will only ever be abused and be a pawn in someone else's sick chess game." She said with a whisper.

"But if you were to join the garrison, you would have a chance to grow. You would have a chance to become the things you never were here. You would have a chance to meet people beyond this little corner of the world. You may even change it." She let out. I was shocked to my core. She's never told me I'm capable of anything.

"Dignity and honor are worth everything. Respectability and power are worth everything, and if it means sacrificing everything you do or don't have to earn them, then you sacrifice it all. You don't give up because it's easier to be a slum rat than to be a woman that works for her place in this world. The titans exist, and if they a breach a wall again, we're all dying, but we haven't given up." She says calmly. I still can't believe my ears.

"You're weak by birth Mahala, not by choice. If you choose the easy way out, you really will make me sick to my stomach." She says finally and then walks away from her place at the window.

My mother made it sound like she has actual faith in me to make the best decision for myself, in her own distant way. I made up my mind in an instant. I'm going to join the garrison, I'm going to be worth something, and I'll finally make my parents proud of me. All of humanity will be proud of me.


	2. Chapter 2

I made the journey to the 104th Southern Division by myself. Most kids travel there themselves, because the travel fare is not cheap, and if they have a parent there with them, they may never want to let go. They may just forget why they're there in the first place at all. As much as my parents hate me, and as sick as their company left me feeling, I'm not certain I wanted to let go. I would've loved to have them here in the horse-drawn carriage with me, just to serve as one last reminder that the reality I'm leaving behind was ever even real. In this carriage alone, on my way to a place where I can completely start over because no one knows who I am, I feel as if my old life never truly existed. Despite that, the nerves and fear that course through my veins leave me shaking as if I were amid a blizzard.

I finally arrived at the division and saw dozens of teens aged twelve and up assemble into long, endless lines. I could tell that these kids were extremely nervous. Their faces were red and green from the nerves in their stomachs, their backs were so straight you'd think their spines were snapped into place, and they avoided eye contact with any and everything. While the nervous energy surrounding me added to my already growing anxiety, I also felt a sense of relief. I'm not the only scared one, we're all scared.

I looked around at the kids cramped beside me, focusing on everyone, trying to get a sense of why any of them were here. Everyone couldn't have been forced to join like me, which means that these kids are willingly donating their bodies to whatever cause the kingdom needs them to fulfill. It was almost admirable.

I caught sight of a blonde boy with a bowl cut, and he looked ready to shit his pants, but determined to prove himself worthy. Another boy with long, brown locks and the most green, vibrant eyes I've ever seen looked extremely furious. He must have something personal against the titans. I continued to scan the crowd until a tall, loud man with a striking appearance began going around yelling at everyone demanding information from them. I could feel the heat and spit from his breath as he approached, before finally stopping in front of me.

"What's your name, you weak, useless cadet!" he shouted into my ears like a banshee. I couldn't help but laugh in my mind at the fact that he already knew I was useless, and I didn't even have to do anything yet. Oh, how I hope my mother was right about the garrison being good for nothing drunks. At least then I wouldn't be disappointing anybody, because uselessness is expected of them.

"Mahala Dinan, Sir!" I shouted back loudly, matching his octave. I'd heard other cadets yelling too as he talked to them, which only prompted him to get louder, but he seemed to approve of the excessive volume.

"I've never seen someone of your race before. Where are you from, Useless?" he asked me curiously with squinted, sunken eyes and a head tilt.

"I'm from right here in Wall Rose, Sir! My race is rare, but this is my homeland! Where else could I possibly be from, Sir!" I shouted. I take offense when people question where I'm from as if I'm some exotic animal. Where else could I possibly be from, if not from within these suffocating walls that you can't seem to get beyond?

He jerked me up by the collar of my new uniform and squeezed the fabric into my bent neck until it felt as if it were slicing my nape.

"Watch your damn tone when you talk to me, you fucking idiot!" he screamed into my face, with his saliva flying into my mouth and eyes. Disgusting.

"Yes, sir," I said glumly. At this point, I just wanted him to remove his hands from me and get out of my face. Once again, the insults of my mother and father have followed me to a new destination. I guess I really am destined to be nothing. Some things never change.

After he finishes harassing the cadets, the officers in charge take it upon themselves to explain how the training will work. They tell us of the three groups into which a cadet can be graduated, the military police, the garrison, and the scouts.

The military police were the peacekeepers of the interior walls. They got to call some of the shots. They announced that only the top ten in the division would be eligible for spots in the military police, and I immediately stopped listening after that. That'll never be my reality.

The garrison is the lads who maintain and guard the wall. Aside from the attack on Wall Maria two years ago, the garrison received zero action or excitement, so they drink their workdays away and are essentially useless. That's exactly where I belong.

Last but never least, are the Scouts. The Scouts are the explorers of the land, that sacrifice the absolute most of everyone in the kingdom looking beyond the walls for more answers to the mysteries of the titans. The absolute bravest and elitist warriors we have are among the Scouts. Commander Erwin, Captain Levi, Hange Zoe, all legends, belong to the scouts.

I remember hearing stories and news about them. Erwin Smith was braver than anyone, Hange was smarter than anyone, and Levi was stronger than anyone. I always favored the tales about Levi, presumably because I'm so weak and love to live vicariously through his strength. It's almost a relief I'll never know him because I have a fantasy in my mind that the Captain would find me worthy and... love me.

It's stupid, I know.

I walk to the mess hall where the cadets gather for meals. When I enter, a large crowd has circled around the table of the furious brunette boy from earlier. I walk over to see what's so interesting and intriguing. I have to shove my way through the crowd to listen in because I'll be damned if I'm left out of the loop. Not here, not in this new life. I refuse to be treated as if I'm invisible.

"Hey! What are you guys talking about?" I inquired. A raven-haired Asian girl shoots me a fierce glance as if she has a problem with me already. I really can't outrun the hate, no matter where I am.

The brunette looks up at me with his impossibly green eyes and for a moment, he completely pauses, gazing intensely into my eyes with his mouth parted slightly, as if he wants to speak but can't find the words to say. Or the breath to say it. I begin to feel uncomfortable, because usually when people stare at me in this manner, it's because they can't believe how ugly I am. Tears begin to swell in my eyes as I remember the pain of the past, and I turn to walk away to save myself from the embarrassment of history repeating itself.

A heavy hand grabs my arm and swings me around.

"I am Eren Yeager! My mother was killed in the Titan attack at Wall Maria, and I will avenge her death by joining the scouts and destroying every single titan until there's not even one left!" he shouted. I admired his passion. I thought he was way in over his head, and a bit too theatrical, but passionate none the less.

He explained to me how his mother was trapped under their house, and how he could only sit there and watch as her life was swallowed away. His anger and grief were still very raw and strong, which leads me to believe that trauma like that doesn't ever get better. If it did, he wouldn't be here shouting threats that he would realistically never adhere to.

My heart filled with pity for him as he told me of the close bond he had with his mother, and how moments before she died, he'd ran away from her in anger. He lives with that regret every day. I don't know why he's chosen to confide in me such personal information, but I don't mind it at all. I find it intriguing to hear how his mother loved him because I've never experienced a mother's love.

Eren's story got me thinking. He knows what he's here for. His friends know what they're here for. Everyone here knows what they're here for. They're here to avenge lost loved ones, here to fight for friends way in over their heads, or are here to fight for themselves and their right to never live afraid of being alive. I'm here because my mother that never loved me said she'd be even more disgusted with me than she ever was if I decided to give up on myself and become a 'slum rat'. My purpose pales in comparison to every other purpose, as per usual, and I can't help but feel ashamed in myself for not wanting better for myself.

Not because my mother would hate me even more, not because everyone here has valid reasons to be here, but because I was willing to settle for being run by the streets, and being a drunk wall keeper so long as nobody expected anything from me. Do I not expect anything from me?

"You would have a chance to meet people beyond this little corner of the world. You may even change it." I remember my mother saying. I may even change the world, but I can't do it slumped against a wall day in and day out while life passes me by. Change is beyond Wall Rose, change is beyond the walls regardless. Change is within the Scouts.

"Do you really think you could kill every titan, Eren?" I asked him innocently. I didn't know what his response would be.

"I don't know, but I'll die trying. The only death worth dying is perishing taking one of those sons of bitches with you. That's what we're here for, right?" He spat out while staring into my eyes. From that moment on, I felt a shift in my game plan. For the first time, I thought I was capable of much more than the garrison. Eren's passion made me feels so confident, that I almost felt I was worthy enough to ride within ten thousand feet of Captain Levi. I knew I was worthy.

That's exactly what we're here for, Eren. That's exactly it.


	3. Chapter 3

3 years later...

I wake up groggily, with sleep still weighing my eyes down like barbells. Bright sunlight flows through the glass windows of the girl's sleeping bunker, and for a moment its heat caressing my skin distracts me from how exhausted I really am.

I couldn't get any sense of peace in the nighttime, because my mind was overflowing with the thought of graduating. After all this time, the days were finally counting down to when I'd have to choose the branch of the military that I'd be dedicating my whole existence to. Maybe it shouldn't be this hard for me to pick between my only two options, but it is. I've made up my mind, changed it, and then made it up all over again. There's no easy way to decide which entity you'll sell your soul to, but with that negativity aside, there have been many little advantages to being a cadet.

My life has felt more lighthearted and joyful in these last years than it ever did back at home, or the space I used to occupy.

After washing myself and eating in the mess hall with my friends, we go to scale wall rose for cannon inspection. We all talk about what regiments we'll be joining after all these years of training, and I think about how far I've come since day one.

Over the years spent training as a cadet, I transformed as a human being. Not only did I become a woman, but my character did a complete 180. I used to be a weak, helpless little girl that had to rely on everyone else to do everything for me. Part of it was because I was weak, and one's physical strength isn't necessarily left up to them to dictate.

The other part though, was me believing that I never could be strong. That I never could be a protector, and would always need to be the one protected. I subjected myself to weakness, but I quickly found out that no one here cares about my pathetic excuses or my low self-esteem. It's do or die, and I prefer not to die by far.

The test of my strength began with the ODM gear. I immediately thought that I would be a failure, and would be sent back home to frequent a whore house for the rest of my life, but I quickly found something that I'm extremely good at. Balance.

I got the hang of it so quickly and even rivaled Mikasa, the oriental girl who seemed to have a problem with me, at the craft. The officers told me that my small stature would aid me in my sense of equilibrium and agility. For once, being the smallest wasn't something I was ashamed of, because I learned that it could be utilized as an asset that keeps me alive.

I learned that matter of factly, I'm not stupid. At all. When they weren't busy pounding information about the titans repeatedly into our heads, they taught us math and literature to keep our brains sharp and aware, and I excelled at it.

I always thought that if someone was in the scouts or the garrison, they didn't really need to be that smart, but I was proven wrong once again, about something I thought I knew. I can't speak on behalf of the garrison, but the scouts must be some of the biggest intellectuals in the whole land. These people have to constantly think of new plans and strategies off the top of their heads all the time because encounters with titans just aren't predictable and uniform. They have to remember landmarks, be knowledgeable about all the titans around them, and be extremely alert all the time.

A dead, dumb, barely stimulated mind can't do that. Many of the things they tested us on during learning hours were common sense scenarios. If a soldier doesn't have common sense, not only will they surely die, but they will cause the deaths of others around them, and I don't want to bring my friends any type of harm.

I've built meaningful friendships in my time spent here.

Armin and I studied together all the time, and eventually, a friendship blossomed. I think we both gravitated towards one another because we both could relate to being the insecure, unconfident weaklings, but we both recognized the immense power of acquiring knowledge.

My friendship with Connie was based simply on the fact that he made me laugh, and distracted me from the fact that soon, there would probably be nothing funny. I love him because he's never made fun of my looks, or made me the odd man out because of my race. When I'm with him, I completely forget how strikingly different I am to the little world around me. He treats me like a little sister, and through being his friend, I've learned what it feels like to have a sibling. The thought of what I've missed out on for so long fills me with a dull ache. He'll probably be going to the military police, so I cherish every bit of banter we ever have while I still can. When you find someone who can laugh in the very face of the worst thing ever, you never let that go.

I grew to have a respect for Mikasa, not a friendship, certainly not a fondness, but a respect. She's strong and intelligent, and so extremely determined to excel so that she can keep Eren alive. She's always a voice of reason and seems to be above any of the petty, childish bullshit that occurs within the cadets. She's here for one reason and one reason only, and I give her her due credit for knowing exactly what she's willing to die for.

I tolerate her, though, only because of who she's willing to die for.

Eren. From the very first minute I met him, his passion and hunger to not only survive, but to live completely overwhelmed me. His energy flowed through my body and nursed every thirsting ravine within me until I became addicted to it. Eren always pushed me to become stronger and to be the best. I used to think he was just the type of guy that liked to control everyone, but one day the true nature of his actions were revealed to me.

_"You have to get up Mahala! Get up now" Eren yelled fiercely into my face. 'What the hell is his problem lately?' I thought. I went to get into my offensive stance again, and as I brought my arm swinging at his face, he grabbed it and flipped my body hard onto the ground._

_"GET UP! How many times do we have to go over this before you finally get it right?!" he screamed. Anger swelled inside my body and bubbled to the surface. My face burned hot with blood and I could just imagine steam flowing from my ears in a never-ending streamline. I caught my breath and finally went off on him._

_"What the fuck is your problem Eren? You've been on my back nonstop and I fucking swear you've been harder on me than you have ANY other person here! What the fuck do you want from me? I'm trying my damn best!" I cried out with tears in my eyes._

_Not only was I upset that Eren seemed to have something against me at this moment, failing to fight him reflected how poorly I was performing in training. I can't survive as a scout if I can't even master hand to hand combat. There's no need for me to be here if I can't do it. I began to get up with pain in my body, preparing to walk away and pack my bags to save myself from more embarrassment._

_But before I could get the chance, Eren sat down beside me, and I looked to see tears were also in his eyes. It shocked me to my core._

_"What are you crying about Eren? I'm the one who can't fight for shit." I deadpanned. He didn't respond for a while, and we sat there in mutual silence until he pierced my soul with his forest green eyes._

_"I need you to survive Mahala." He shakily responded._

_"I need you to know how to fight because I need you to be able to protect yourself. I need you to fight as well as me because I need you to be safe even when you're not by my side in the scouts. Because I can't watch after you, and I can't protect you. I'll be too busy protecting myself, Armin, Mikasa... I can't do what I need to do, and I can't be who I need to be if I don't know you're okay. How am I supposed to kill all the titans, if I'm crippled from losing you?" he let out calmly with tears streaming down his face. I was frozen into place. What was he saying?_

_"So I can't go easy on you, because you need to get better. I don't ever want to look up and see that you're not here with me." He said finally before getting up and walking away._

That day, Eren told me he needed me to survive. He cared about me more than I ever thought anyone could, but I'm determined to hold onto anybody that cares about my life. I think back to that day, and I smile. I've come a long way from just rolling over and accepting defeat.

I could've gotten lost in my thoughts, but as I said before, I'm never allowed. Because in the blink of an eye, green lightning crackled to the core of the earth, heat burned my skin, and I watched Wall Rose crack open the same way I'd heard Wall Maria did. The Colossal Titan was here, and Wall Rose has fallen.


	4. Chapter 4

You don't know true fear until you look death right in its face. You don't truly fathom what the hell a titan actually is until you see it breaking through a hundred foot structures and devouring lives. Steam from the heat of the Colossal Titan seared at mine and my fellow cadets' skin and blew us from our positions on the wall. My mind was paralyzed with fear and utter confusion from the sudden arrival of the ginormous Titan. Even though the onslaught of refugees from Maria and the tales of Eren and Armin should've been proof enough, deep down in my heart, I almost believed he was just a tale of mere fiction. I didn't actually believe something so horrendous, and so much bigger than our little walls, could ever exist.

Yet here he was, with seering winds sending me to the ground to become a pool of jellied remains for titans to snack on. Why can't I move? Why have I accepted defeat so easily? Was I not supposed to join the scouts, and fight these creatures until my very last breath? What a disappointment I am, what a waste of time, energy, and rations I've been. I couldn't even make it to the selection ceremony. I couldn't even fight the good fight long enough to prove to my parents that I'm more than every disgusting thing they ever told me I was. Oh well, at least this death will be honorable. Nobody will ever know the true circumstances.

But the impact of my fall never came, because a strong body swooped in and caught me before I could meet my demise. Eren.

"What's your fucking problem! We don't have time to fuck around, and I told you I don't have time to play babysitter with you! Take your head out of your ass and report to the Garrison's headquarters, we're fighting a war right now whether your ass can handle it or not!" Eren shouts in my face loudly over the sounds of screaming and wailing. I expected to see anger, and maybe even hatred burning through his eyes, but I only saw concern and.. fear? He was rude as hell, as always, but at least I was alive. At least I wasn't smashed into the ground, and for that I'm grateful to him. Before I can respond to Eren's shouts of anger, he whizzes off in the direction of the HQ.

I follow suit, and remind myself that I was the very best with the ODM gear. That I have the balance and strength necessary to at least flee danger if need be. As I'm soaring above blood-curdling screams of mothers looking for their babies, and crowds being hoarded into the mouths of titans, I think something so selfish and silly, something so juvenile, that I can't help but be disgusted with myself. Eren was mean to me, and he was probably so upset that he had to save me because he'd rather be protecting Mikasa and Armin. Why does that hurt so bad? Isn't that how it's always been? Before I know it, I'm at HQ, my sulking cut short and my mind being thrown back into the reality of our situation.

"I want everyone split into four squadrons, as practiced! All squadrons are responsible for supply-running, message relay and enemy combat under the command of the Garrison Regiment! The Interception Squadron will take the vanguard, Cadets will take the middle guard, and Rear Guard goes to the elites!" a garrison high ranking officer belts into the crowd of soldiers. I prepare to go with my squad in the middle guard when an officer I don't recognize approaches me.

"Dinan, we need you in the rear. Come on," he says to me monotonously. I'm shocked beyond belief.

"I'm just a cadet though, I'm not even in the Top 10 of my graduating class! What could you possibly need me for?" I cry out. I don't care that I'm not blindly accepting his order and I don't care how pathetic I sounded in the moment. I can't help but have flashbacks to the fifteen minutes ago that I couldn't even get my brain to function well enough to not fall to my death. How am I going to be beneficial to the Elite squad, if not serving as Titan bait?

"It's because you're smart, and a beast with ODM. Sometimes it's better to have a sound mind, great balance and a heart full of fear, rather than an idiot with a jumbled mind, great balance and zero fear." deadpanned Mikasa as she and Eren approached the mystery officer and I. I realized that some of what she said seemed to be targeted towards Eren. Can't say that I disagree *shade thrown*.

"I'm on your team too. Apparently, they need little rookies like us," she said. Eren looked furiously at me and then the officer, and I could tell that one of his minutely blow ups were about to occur.

"Are you seriously taking Mahala with you to the Elite Squad? She won't stand a fucking chance there, what good are her smarts if she just freezes up when they actually matter! You're sending her on a suicide mission!" Eren screamed. Part of me tried to act appalled that he would speak to a higher up that way, but another part of me was so happy that my friend was actually showing concern for me, no matter how rudely stated his concern was. I noticed that Mikasa looked bothered at the outburst, I guess she doesn't like the disrespect.

"Anytime you deal with a Titan, you're on a suicide mission kid. Get to your fucking squad and follow your fucking orders. Ackerman. Dinan. Let's go." the officer stated before walking off.

Before we could walk off, Eren grabbed us for one last word. "Stay alive Mahala." he bites out with fire in his eyes. "And Mikasa, don't let her die. You're good enough to not let her die." he says before walking to his own squad. Damn.

We get to the rear, and there are elite soldiers everywhere, slicing the napes of titans fiercely. I recognize some of the soldiers' notorious green capes. The scout regiment. I'm in awe seeing the amount of passion they whizz through the air with, and the amount of hatred behind their cries as they kill. So this is the might of scouts, our heroes. It's kind of tragic that they had to come home from an expedition to this bullshit. It must've been bad out there if they're already home this early, but if anyone can help us now, it's them.

"GET TO KILLING! THOSE NAPES WON'T SLICE THEMSELVES!" a female voice yells.

I whizz through the sky, and my sights land on a titan standing against an abandoned home. 'It's now or never Mahala' I thought. I swing fiercely from building to building, withdraw my sharp swords and whirl my body to create the perfect slice on the Titans' nape.

'I'm going to kill my first titan!' I thought. The thought of being a help, somehow and someway, brought a small smile to my face. I'd kill this titan and walk away to tell the story. I couldn't believe how quickly my luck had changed, but then I noticed something extremely peculiar about this titan. 

It had brown skin like mine. It had coarse black hair like mine. And its eyes, now staring at me, were black just like mine. The shock of seeing this rare titan made me lose my balance in my ODM gear, and I crash landed onto a roof, almost completely rolling off of it, and barely hanging on. 

'Since when are there black titans? Since when is there black anything?' I thought.

My train of thought was derailed though, as the black Titan stalked toward me with that wide, vicious smile on its face. It grabbed my torso and lifted me in the air, and I found myself wishing that I'd just fallen to my death. Any death was better than this.

"mahala"

Who said that. The voice was so quiet and scraggly, yet so close that I almost thought it was just a voice in my head. Until I saw the titan was gazing into my eyes, almost as if it recognized me, and it seemed like it was expecting something of me. But that's not possible, because titans aren't intelligent, right? They can't expect anything, can they?

"empress"

'Did this thing just talk to me? Why isn't it eating me? Empress?' I thought. It's drawing my death out much longer than necessary. Water flows from my eyes as I cry at the cruelty of this creature, wishing it would just kill me quickly, when I hear a slice across its nape and its grip on me loosens.

I fall towards the ground, but I'm caught in muscular arms before the impact ever comes. I look into the eyes of my hero with thick tears cascading down my cheeks, and my breath catches in my throat.

Captain Levi just saved my life, and he looks pissed about it.

Author's Note: As you can see if you've made it down here, I'm going to be twisting and turning the AOT universe a little bit. I just want to make it more than just the canon show, you feel me? So if you don't like the direction in which I'm taking the story, I thank you for reading and kindly suggest another kind of story. Thank you.


	5. Chapter 5

I gazed up into Captain Levi's murky, drooping eyes, completely and utterly starstruck as he sneered down at me with an incredulous look.  
"Oi. Are you dumb? Are you sure you're supposed to be out here cadet?" He asked monotonously. I couldn't find the words, or breath to answer. This was Lieutenant **Levi** that just saved my life.

Meeting my hero and nearly dying at the hands of some grotesque creature jumbled my mind into a million scattered pieces, and I could barely form a coherent thought.

"It... it..." I stuttered repeatedly. I couldn't come to terms with what had just happened moments before The Captain rescued me. I couldn't decide whether my already stressed and traumatized mind conjured up the impossible, or if this incident had truly occurred. I mean, it could be possible, right? If there are giants that wander the earth **eating** us for seemingly no reason, then surely they can **talk** to us, right?

"What did it do brat, I don't have all damn day," Levi said with irritation clear as day in his voice. He stared down at me with anger flaring in his eyes, but what I saw unveiling in his eyes the most was pure curiosity. Maybe he'd listen to me. Maybe he'd believe me.

"It... talked to me. The titan... the one you just killed... it spoke. To _me_." I said slowly, still somewhat in a daze. Is this real?

"The titan **spoke** to you? Oi, I think you're just a little frazzled, shitty brains. Near-death can make a person hear and see things that just aren't there." Levi was immediately dismissive of my claims, but he didn't exactly sound like he truly thought what I was saying was out of the realm of possibility. Maybe he doesn't believe a titan can't talk, maybe he just thinks it's foolish to believe in **me**.

"I know... it sounds crazy... _**I**_ sound crazy" I mumbled, bringing my hands up to clutch the sides of my head, rocking myself as hot tears cascaded down my cheeks uncontrollably. I've lost it, haven't I?

"I didn't say you sounded crazy. I said you sound frazzled. That's _**not**_ your fault." he asserted, not meeting my eyes.

The sounds of bloodcurdling screams and terror rung out all around us, piercing my ears and embedding themselves into my brain and my entire being. The Captain should be helping his comrades, _ **I**_ should be helping his comrades. Yet here I am, already losing all my sense from already having two near-death experiences. And **I'm** the one that wanted to join the scouts?

"It spoke to me Heichou. It knew my name. It called me _Empress_ " I cried out.

"I don't believe you" he immediately dismissed.

"You've got to believe me! I know what I heard, and you know what? I know what I _**saw**_ too! How do you explain that rare black titan then, HUH? How do you explain that to _**me**_ Heichou?" I screamed. I was so upset, so frustrated that he and I both almost succeeded in convincing me that I'd lost my mind.

Members of the rear guard peeked at us questioningly as they'd overheard what I said.

Levi began whispering under his breath, biting out each word as he glared back at every suspicious gaze that fell on us.  
"I said... you're frazzled. I said... I don't believe you. Don't say anything more. I want to hear nothing else of it, not on this battlefield."

I suddenly became aware of the tense aura radiating off of Levi and sensed his apprehension to speak on the subject.

' _Not on this battlefield'_  
So does that mean Levi and I will discuss this later when there isn't such a dire responsibility? Or maybe when we're away from the vicious viper eyes of our comrades that seemed to impale our souls when they heard what I'd said? Should I be getting excited? Whatever the case, Levi wanted me to drop the subject.

"You're right, of course, Heichou. Forgive my brainlessness."

I conceded peacefully. If even the **Heichou** was gazed upon with suspicion, then clearly the subject needed to be dropped.

 _ **"Heichou! A cadet by the name of Eren Yeager has transformed into a titan! The garrison tried to assassinate him, but Commander Pixis is going to allow him to transform again to close the hole in Trost!"**_ a soldier yelled to Captain Levi.

 **Eren**?

" _What?_ " Levi said confusedly, almost like he was in a daze.

_**"All soldiers have been ordered to protect him when he transforms again until he can successfully close that wall!"** _

The confused haze in Levi's eyes dissipated and left behind shocked, beautiful blue eyes in its place.

"Go then. Thank you for the information" he said to the unnamed soldier.

His gaze locked onto me, onto my eyes, and he breathed out a heavy sigh.

"Let's go. But stay near me. I need you alive _empress_ ".

Captain Levi... needs me?


	6. Chapter 6

My heart thumped like a drum against my chest, and each quake of the muscle sent tremors of absolute dread drudging through my body. The bright blue landscape and the yellow sapphire burning in the sky shone down on me, spreading warmth over the surface of my coffee-colored skin. The warmth didn't affect this cold feeling usurping my blood though, and the beautiful cerulean sky did nothing to ease my apprehension and fear. My breathing was heavy and quick-paced as I raced to wherever Eren was.

 _'A titan... Eren has transformed into a titan?'_ My mind raced at a million miles a minute, trying to gain even a fraction of understanding of the current situation. I couldn't come to terms with any of my non-coherent thoughts.

 _'Did he lie to me? Did he gain our trust, so we'd never suspect him of being a titan?'_ For some reason, the thought just didn't sit well with me. I know that all the soldiers, especially all of the cadets, are confused beyond measure right now. Even then, I don't quite care about their confusion. I've gotten so close to Eren, and we've been through so much together, that it physically hurts to think that he'd lie to me.

 _'Does he trust me at all? I could've kept his secret'_ , but could I have? If Eren had confided in me that he was a titan, there's no way in hell I would've kept that a secret. There's no way in hell I could've prioritized whatever bond we've accumulated over the years, above the lives of everyone within these walls. So, in a way, I'm ecstatic that he never told me his secret because now I don't have to betray my best friend, I can just help him.

"Oi! Dinan. Over there" Captain Levi pointed out. Even the captain had a look of utter disturbance upon his face. How unfortunate is it that I had to meet Levi under such dire circumstances? Then again, any circumstance we'd ever cross paths because of would most likely be dire.

"There's Eren! I think he's getting ready to transform!" I screamed with unbridled excitement. Eren propelled himself through the air with nimble speed, his chestnut locks blowing in the wind wildly. And... to see him soaring so freely above the rooftops like that... he reminded me of a bird. He reminds-

_**"HE TRANSFORMED!"** _

A deafening crash boomed and rattled our eardrums, and we all waited in extreme anticipation to see what Eren's titan would look like. I can't believe it until I see it.

 _ **"AAAAHHHHHHHH".**_ Eren let out a roar filled to the brim with fire and anger, and his electric green eyes settled onto Mikasa's cautious form on the roof. Then, he attacked her.

Eren began wildly punching in attempts to kill Mikasa, trying so desperately to connect his fist just _**once**_ to bloody her to a pulp. Nothing could stop him from his mindless rampage, and Eren was so determined to kill her that he was willing to hurt himself.

Mikasa landed on Eren's face, trying to reach him beyond a threshold that nobody within the walls has ever even gotten the chance to cross.

"Eren! It's me! Mikasa! Pl-" Eren brought his fist up swiftly and smashed his face in. Thick, white steam flowed upwards from his face, and it resembled the low clouds that find their way down here in the dirty slime of the walls with us. Mikasa leaped out of the way with a quickness, but had she been a minute too late, she'd be pulverized meat.

"Mikasa! What does this mean for Eren?!" I shouted with worry. Was he dead? Did he kill himself trying to kill her?

"He's fine... he's fine. He came back from the dead... this won't kill him. He's safe in there." Mikasa said glumly.

 _ **"Well, somebody better figure out something quick because this kid was supposed to put that big ass boulder in front of the wall! What are we going to do without him?!"**_ a random soldier screamed. A wave of unrest began to settle over everyone at the battle site, and I could tell that soon enough if the titans didn't get to us first, we'd all turn on each other. Everyone would turn on Eren.

Maybe, I could help, maybe I could do what _**Mikasa**_ couldn't.

"Armin! Why do you think he's just sitting there unmoving? Did he knock himself out?" I shouted over to Armin. If I was going to help Eren, I had to know what was happening. I didn't want to hurt him.

"I theorize that he's not awake right now. He's not sensing himself in this titan body, it's like he's zoned out." Armin explained.

"So... if I can just wake him up...all of him, he could help us," I stated. I soared over swiftly to Eren's humongous Titan form, and I drew my blade.

"Oi! **Dinan**! It's not safe for you to be down there!" Captain Levi shouted. A certain type of fear was apparent in his tone, and it shocked me. I would have never expected him to care, but I also didn't expect him to know my name. I never told him it, and I wouldn't think a high ranking captain would keep tabs on lowly cadets. I guess there's a lot I don't know.  
I wanted to heed his warning so badly because I respect him _**so**_ much, but I needed to help Eren help us.

"I'm sorry Heichou, but I have to do this. We need him" I said.

"Fine, but there's no way in hell I'm leaving yo- a cadet down there by themselves." Captain Levi responded. He plopped down on Eren beside me, gave me a reluctant nod of encouragement, and I stabbed my blade straight through his body, praying that he would feel something and come back to me.

"Eren. Listen to me Eren. You're going to save us, okay? You're going to close up that wall and help us all. Listen Eren, we all need you, we need you so much. I need you. Please wake up Eren. It's me, Mahala, you remember? Do you remember..."

_"Look Eren. Look at how pretty the sky is from up here." I said with wonder. Eren and I were partnered up doing work on top of the walls. We were 100 meters in the sky, and the view allowed him and I to see the green pastures of land and the apricot sky gleaming in the distance._

_"It's so beautiful, isn't it?" I asked innocently. I looked beside me to gauge Eren's reaction to the beautiful canvas in front of us, but he was already looking at me. He smirked at me and finally gazed at the scenery._

_"It is beautiful... it's so_ _**fucking** _ _beautiful," he whispered while shaking his head._

_"And you know what else is fucking beautiful? This air. The air up here isn't nearly the same as the air down there. You don't even realize you've been inhaling literal shit until you've finally breathed in something real." he continued._

_"I agree. I feel so free up here. I almost feel like a little bird." I said._

_Eren gazed at me with curiosity dancing in his eyes._

_"Why? Do you want to fly away from these walls, do you want to know what it feels like on the other side?" he asked inquisitively._

_"I don't necessarily want to fly away from the walls, I don't even hate it here that much."I shrugged._

_"I just... I just feel like the walls wouldn't be so bad if they only kept things out, you know? I'm grateful for the fact they keep those monsters out, but I don't want to always be kept in. That's what happened to Maria. People had nowhere to go, nowhere to run to, except inwards. What happens when the last wall falls? Then, where will we run?" I asked. I could feel myself getting emotional, but I wanted to tell Eren this. I loved talking to him._

_"I guess I'd just like to be a bird... because it doesn't_ _**matter** _ _to them. When shit gets rough, they can just fly away. When shit_ _**isn't** _ _rough, they can just fly away! I don't even really envy that they leave, I just envy that they_ _**can** _ _. Does that make sense?" I asked unsurely. I felt like I lost Eren in there, but when I turned to look at him, his eyes were boring into mine and brimming with tears._

_"You're beautiful Mahala..." Eren said crying. We did this a lot, getting emotional I mean. Wait,_ _**I'm** _ _beautiful?_

_"Your mind is beautiful. Your spirit is beautiful. Nobody else sees what we see. I can't talk to anybody else about these things, especially not Mikasa." he says. Ah, yes. Mention_ _**her** _ _while I'm up here with you, why don't you._

_Eren turned me towards him and grabbed my hand, placing both our hands over his heart. He seemed to get ten times more serious within seconds._

_"I promise you, Mahala. I will fight every day, every_ _**fucking** _ _day of my life, to make sure that one day, you can have the choice to leave these walls. And when that day comes, I'll be right there beside you. I put it on my life that I'll be there_ _**forever** _ _."_

"So please keep your promise Eren! I need you. You're my best friend. I can't do this without you." I cried. Tears streamed down my face, and my eyes ached.

Eren's titan shifted and I leaped off of him. He gazed down at me with recognition searing in his forest eyes, and tears bled down his face. _He heard me_!

Eren grabbed the humongous boulder and heroically carried it to the hole in the wall.

 _ **"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!"**_ and with that, he slammed it down, and I could feel the whole ground shuddered.

 _ **"WE WON! HE DID IT! FOR THE FIRST TIME, HUMANITY'S WON!"**_ Every soldier present cheered and hollered and screamed and hugged. Eren was our saving grace.

I felt a delicate hand touched my shoulder, and immediately, I knew who it was. Captain Levi.

"Dinan. Let's go. After all of this is done, _we need to talk._ "


	7. Chapter 7

Levi and I sat in the newly cleaned abode of the old Scouts Headquarters. The building gave an air of coldness and secludedness, with its dull peeling walls and untouched furniture looming all around us. It's been a long time since anybody has even stepped foot into this building, well, that we know of. My body was buzzing with anxiety that I could feel it in my nerves. Being here with Levi made me nervous.

I have an idea of what he brought me here to speak about, but I have no actual inclination of what he's truly going to say. The way Levi acted yesterday... he made it seem like I'd stumbled upon something I was never supposed to see.

"I said... you're frazzled. I said... I don't believe you. Don't say anything more. I want to hear nothing of it. Not on this battlefield."

Well, we're off the battlefield now, and I can't wait to get answers to whatever the fuck that was that I saw. Levi makes me so nervous. Yesterday, he beat Eren to a bloody pulp to prove to Zacharius that he would be the one to keep Eren in his place. He repeatedly stomped on his head and even kicked out his tooth just to show that Eren could be controlled. There were those among us that decided to act out and couldn't see the bigger scheme of what Levi was doing. Then, there were those of us that realized that Levi saved Eren's life.

I'm not angry with Levi for what he did to Eren, he saved him from being murdered right where he stood for all I'm concerned, but if that's how far he's willing to go to get what he wants, what will he do to me?

The Captain bored holes through my skull with his intense, monotone stare while he sipped his tea. It's quite strange how he goes about drinking it, but I thought it was cute and distinctive. He's different, I'm different. I like it. A steaming cup of oolong sat in front of me as well, the sweet smell tantalizing my senses, beckoning me to just have a taste. However, as on edge as I was in the moment , I don't think I could have kept anything down.

"So, you have questions. I have questions. Who goes first?" Levi asked me cooly.

"Heichou, please go first. It is completely up to you. I'm just a cad-" I said, but the captain cut me off before I could even finish my sentence.

"You're not just a cadet. You're someone that claims to have seen something I'm very interested in. So, as I said, who's asking first?" He said with a domineering power in his voice. I could tell that Levi wasn't in any mood to play games. He wasn't in any mood for any of the rank bullshit. He truly just wanted us to discuss what happened out there.

"I'm... I'm going first then. I'll ask first. Heichou, how do you know my last name?" I asked cautiously. I don't want to offend him, but he opened the floor for this, and I don't want to hold back from this open offer.

Levi's eyes widened a bit, and if I hadn't been staring at him so intensely, I would have missed it.

"Huh?" he asked.

"My last name. You said it a couple times, yet we've never met. How do you know it?" I asked.

"I... heard it in passing. That's how," he said. I heard a bit of hesitance in his voice that made me question his answer.

"Heichou, please forgive me, but what's the point in this if we can't be honest with each other? I'm not going to lie to you, I would never want to do that, so can you please not lie to me?" I asked. I needed him to trust me, otherwise, this conversation was for nothing.

Levi sighed heavily and ran a hand down his face.

"I can't tell you how I know your last name. That's an honest answer. Next question." he said.

"Why can't you tell me how you know my last name?" I pressed. I can respect him not answering, but I'll be damned if I don't even try to get him to.

"If I told you why I can't tell you then I'd be telling you what I can't tell you, which I can't do," he said with a handsome smirk. This jerk thinks this is funny.

"Okay, fine. How about you ask me something then since there's so much you can't say." I said angrily. So much for getting answers from the Captain.

"Where are you from?" he said without missing a beat.

"Wall Rose, sir."

"Why are you black, then?" he asked. He stared into my eyes harder than ever, trying to catch any reaction I may have revealed.

"I don't know, because my parents are? The same reason you're white is the same reason I'm black. You tell me the reason" I answered angrily. While Captain Levi doesn't seem like the type to be prejudice against me because of my race, I can't help but feel hurt flare in my heart.

'Why are you black?', as if that's something you do unto yourself. As if it's something that shouldn't have been done.

"Okay. Let me ask it differently. Why are you black and no one else is? Why are you and your family arguably the only black people within the wall?" he asked calmly. That's not asking it differently, that's a completely new question!

"I don't know. Maybe whoever built these damn walls wanted to keep people like me out, and people like you in. Or, maybe, it's the other way around. Maybe the walls were built to keep people like you in to protect people like me" I answered mischievously. I had no real answer, at this point Levi and I both are asking fruitless questions. At least my answers aren't being withheld, I just don't have them.

The room hummed uncomfortably with the sound of silence, and the Captain stared at me with wonder and utter confusion in his eyes. He looked conflicted, and torn as if he had something he wanted to say to me, but couldn't decide if he should or not.

"What's wrong Heichou?" I asked.

"Nothing... what regiment are you planning on joining Dinan?" There he goes, beautifully rolling my last name off his tongue that I don't know how he knows.

"I wanted to join the Scouts. I love you guys, but the incident in Trost taught me enough. I don't belong in the same regiment as you and others like you. Hange. Erwin. There's nothing in this world I could add to the scouts that you all don't already provide." I said despondently.

"Your friend, Eren. He's joining us in the scouts, though you already know that, clearly. You brought him back to his right state of mind, you helped him help us. I think you're strong, no, I know you're strong. Eren could definitely use you out there, if it means not losing his mind and going beserk on us." Levi said. It seemed like he had more to say, but he held back.

"I want you to join the Levi Squad. I want to keep you close by Eren, and by me. That's the only way you'll ever get answers, Dinan. I won't force you to join, and won't even ask you to consider it. Just know that the offer stands, and just know what's at stake for us both. Don't keep me waiting though, I hate waiting on others." Levi said, and then he walked away from me and left the room completely.

When I made it back to the barracks, I stared up at the ceiling and could only see Levi's face. Why was he so confusing? The Levi Squad? Me, of all people, on the Levi Squad sounded utterly ridiculous and unrealistic. I don't know how Levi knows me, and I don't know why I have to join him to get answers, but... I feel like now that I know him, I can't just let him go. There's something about him, but what is it? I don't know.

Third Person POV

Levi played with the crystal locket in his hand. He rubbed it between his fingers, sighing and staring at it with wonder. He popped it open, like he regularly does, needing to see the girls face once again. He needed her to calm himself down. He gazed at the girl's picture and caressed it affectionately.

"Now that I've found you, I'll never let you go again. I won't let them take you a second time."


	8. Chapter 8

_Darkness._

_My eyes groggily scanned the sky above me, or more so, the ceiling above me, and all I could detect was ashiness and dullness. My body felt weak, and my vision was blurry and spotty. I couldn't see where I was, but the setting felt so familiar as if I had been there before. I hazily tried to move my body from the ground I'd found myself lying on, but it felt entirely too weak and much too difficult a task. I stayed laying down, squinting at the horizon above me._

_'What is that?' I thought. I found myself wanting to answer my own question, it was just barely on the tip of my tongue, ready to leap off the deep end. I could feel so strongly that I had been here before, the smog in the air, the dirt that was smudged beneath my skin and dried and caked in my kinky hair, the claustrophobics of this world that surrounded me, it all felt very much like a distant past._

_I began to hear the whispered chatter of deep voices. The voices sounded reminiscent of ones I had heard before, but my waning consciousness wouldn't allow me to grasp any of my jumbled thoughts and give them coherence._

_"What are we to do with the child?" a woman's frantic voice cracked out._

_I had zero idea who these people were and not the slightest clue as to what they had planned for me._

_"Who fucking cares? By the time that insolent piece of scum wakes up, we'll be long gone. Who will believe the boy, anyway? Who will care? We have strict orders on what we're to do, and no one, child, adult, soldier,_ _**no one** _ _, will stand in the way of us." a man bellowed out in an outraged voice. So much for whispering._

_Wait, by the time the boy wakes up? I strained my eyes and used every ounce of strength in my body to turn and look towards whoever they were speaking of._

_A pale boy laid face down in the dirt, and blood trickled down the side of his forehead. His eyes were sealed and unmoving, and if I didn't know better, it would have looked like he were in a blissful slumber. His hair was a beautiful raven color, falling in straight locks just above his nape. He was absolutely stunning to me, and he too appeared so eerily familiar._

_I was roughly hoisted over the shoulder of the man, and my heart filled with dread at the thought of leaving that boy unprotected where he lay unconscious and bruised, and all by his lonesome. I wanted to scream, I wanted to escape from the terrifying man, and I wanted to save that raven-haired youth, but my body wouldn't allow it._

_I was too weak and utterly paralyzed, and the further and further I was carried away from him, the more my hazy vision rescinded into blackness and nothingness._

_I lost him._

I jerked up from my bed in a cold sweat, breathing heavily and frantically twitching. Tears fell down my complexion to the floor beneath me. That dream had felt so absolutely real, and so reminiscent of something locked deep away in the catacombs of my mind, just begging to be let out. My nightgown clung with sweat to my sweltering body, so I pulled it off and threw it a random corner to calm my racing heartbeat.

I began to take extra deep breaths, and the smells of black tea and anpan from downstairs floated beneath my nose, tantalizing my senses and causing my stomach to growl. Black tea was the Captain's go-to beverage, and its aroma brought me a sense of tranquility, which was a much-needed relief from the mental hell I endured in my dream last night.

I collapsed back onto my bed and sighed contently, getting a kick out of the feel of silk sheets and fleece bedding, which were vastly more delicate than the rickety bunk I occupied as a cadet a mere two weeks ago.

_'Hell, What even was that dream? As much as I try, I just can't make sense of it. I feel like I-'_

"Mahala, have you not heard me knocking?" a concerned voice asked and tore me from my thoughts. Eren pushed into my room fully dressed and blushed when he noticed my own lack of clothing. Part of me felt utterly horrified to be seen in such an indecent state, for my body to be seen at all. When I took off my nightgown, I wasn't planning on ever being seen in only underwear.

I rushed to cover up my repulsive physique, praying that Eren wouldn't think less of me now that he had had the misfortune of seeing what I truly was. I just hoped he had not seen the mark on my stomach; the mark I've had my whole life. I frantically clung to the covers and stared at Eren with big eyes, tears prickling at their sides.

"Oi, Eren. I'm so sorry. I'm indecent. I should already be up and assisting the Levi Squad, excuse my incompetence." I shakily let out.

"No, no, no Mahala. It's me that's sorry. I shouldn't have come in without your permission, but I was worried when you weren't answering. It's not all so bad though. We haven't had a moment to just talk as friends in a while." Eren said as he walked deeper into my room. He stood at the edge of my bed with a questioning look in his garden green eyes.

"Go ahead, sit." I said. My body was trembling with uneasiness.

"So... what's up?" he inquired. A giggle left my mouth and turned into full-blown laughter.

"What?" Eren asked, looking slightly offended.

"Oi Eren, nothing. I just don't think we've ever had a conversation so simple. It made me laugh at how light-hearted it was compared to the entirety of our friendship" I laughed out. I don't remember the last time I had such a carefree conversation.

"Oi, I know. We don't have many light-hearted situations after all, but if it means I get to see you gleam like that, I'll ask you 'what's up' every day of my life" he let out happily with a smirk.

For a moment it seemed as if we were the only two in the world, and my stomach fluttered. This wasn't the first time I'd felt like this with Eren. This wasn't the first time that I'd wanted something... _more_ from him, but I've always been too afraid to acknowledge what more I wanted.

"Your smile is so fucking beautiful Mahala, " Eren whispered raspily, his eyes staring into mine and then at my lips.

My eyes flicked down to his lips, too, and I found myself leaning into him at the same time he grabbed my waist and leaned towards me.

"Ahem," a deep monotonous voice let out. Eren and I sprang apart, and in doing that my blanket slipped past my breasts down to my stomach. I rapidly pulled the blanket back up, but the damage had already been done. Levi stared at me wide-eyed at the door before recovering his cool composure.

"I permitted you to summon Dinan, Eren. I didn't say come up here and seduce her. When you take too long to do simple tasks, I get nervous. You're not supposed to leave my sight, anyway." the captain let out flatly.

He seemed bothered by what just transgressed. Whether it was Eren's disobedience, or almost seeing two of his subordinates kiss, he was more disturbed by it than he sounded. His appearance and tone gave away no signs of discomfort, but his hand clenched tightly at his side told me everything I needed to know.

Captain Levi was angry with us. As I looked into his eyes, which bore into mine despite him addressing Eren, I detected an unusual emotion. Sadness, anger, hurt?

The Captain wasn't angry with _us._  
He was angry with **me**.


	9. Chapter 9

The energy within the old scout's headquarters has been… awkward to say the least. I don't know why though. Part of me should have known that Captain Levi wouldn't tolerate relationships or fraternization between his squad members, but the other part of me was filled with a grandiose amount of doubt.

The look in the Captain's eyes when he walked in on my and Eren's moment seemed almost personal. There was a level of disgust and betrayal brewing beneath his murky blue irises that seemed to be too intense for its own good.

Ah, the moment with Eren. It replays over and over in my head until I almost can't take it anymore. If the captain hadn't interrupted us, what might have happened? Where might have that vulnerable moment in time taken us? I wonder what Eren's lips would've felt like, and what we would've done had we been allowed the privacy to express ourselves further. I'm not saying I would've gone all the way with Eren, but I don't think I'd have been hesitant to do whatever my body commanded me to.

If there's anything that I, along with the rest of humanity, has learned in these last years, is that no day is ever promised. With the threat of the Colossal titan and Armored titan returning to wreak havoc whenever they see fit, one never knows when the brittle security of the walls will come shattering down around them again. And even without the titans, who lives forever? Who in this world has ever gotten to say that their life transcends the boundlessness of time? Impending doom or not, life will cease to be life at some point. All that is living must die.

That's why I have no reservations about my moment with Eren, because I may not see another day, and if I'm living my last moment I want to do so with no regrets.

"Hey Mahala. The captain wants to have a meeting about the upcoming scout mission" a short, strawberry blonde girl says to me, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Okay Petra" I respond. As we're walking to meet with the Captain and the rest of the Levi squad, I can feel Petra sneaking curious glances at me out the corner of my eye. If there's one thing that's always made me nervous and feel like complete shit, it's being stared at. Whether the stares be upfront and direct, or sneakily hidden to the point it's horrendously obvious. I don't like to be looked at, and I don't like to be seen. If everyone here is just going to see me for my skin, and my hair, and not for me, I don't ever want to be looked upon by them.

"Is there a reason you're staring at me Petra?" I questioned quietly. I was irritated but didn't let it show through my voice. We're teammates now after all, conflict needs to be avoided when it can be. Petra blushed a deep red and huffed when she realized she'd been caught in her ogling.

"I'm sorry. That was so rude of me!" she laughed nervously.

"I just think you're so pretty. So unique looking. Your skill is also unique. I can't believe you weren't among the top of your cadet corps! I really understand why Levi wanted you here with us so badly" she says excitedly. Wow, that's not at all what I'd been expecting her to say. Have I allowed myself to be so soured by the ugliness of the world, that I can't even recognize the beauty anymore?

Levi wanted me badly?

"Wow. Thank you, Petra. You're so beautiful too." I respond smiling. Her cheeks flush red again and she pushes a wispy strand of hair behind her ear.

"No problem, Mahala" she says beaming.

"So… what did you mean by the captain wanted me here so badly? Had he been talking about me?" I questioned coolly. I tried to remain with a calm demeanor on the outside, even though on the inside I was screaming my head off.

"Well, the captain isn't a very vocal man, but once you study him long enough, you can differentiate between the different sides of his personality, no matter how one dimensional it may seem. Captain would constantly study your cadet file, and repeatedly said that there's one more person he needs on his team. He said without this one more person, his team wouldn't be complete. It wasn't hard to put two and two together and figure out he was talking about you. I mean, here you are, you know?" Petra says quickly and excitedly. She continues to talk energetically as we walk towards the dining room to meet with Captain, but I can't hear a thing she says. My mind is somewhere else completely.

What is it about me that the Captain needs so badly? Surely there are more qualified cadets, like Mikasa for example. Even if he truly wants me around to act as a bridge between Eren's titan and Eren himself, why not recruit the girl who would drop dead for him at Eren's command? Is it because of what I saw that day in Trost?

"Ral. Dinan. How nice of you to finally join us." Eld says as we walk into the dining hall. I sheepishly smile and take a seat beside P etra, which happens to be across from the Captain. I go to look at him, but he's already staring me down. His eyes surprisingly hold no anger, or disgust, or disdain like they did the other day. His eyes are twinkling as if he's pleased to see me.

"Hi Captain" I say shyly. He nods at me in acknowledgement. I felt my cheeks burn at that but thank God no one could see.

"Ah. There are just a few things I want to go over." The captain says.

After the meeting, Captain Levi hangs back while the rest of the squad goes about their duties. I do as well. I thought this might irritate him, but all he does is glance at me curiously, and then continue to sip on his black tea. I nervously play with my hands, trying to work up the courage to say something to him, but when I look up the captain is already staring at me with a strange look in his eyes. He had a small smile on his face, and an almost challenging stare.

This giving me the confidence I needed, I moved into the seat beside him.

"Captain, I know what you walked in on wasn't ideal. I'm sorry that you had to see it. It was lapse of judgement. The last thing I'd ever want to do is disrespect you." I said remorsefully. The one thing I don't want is to lose the respect of my hero.

Levi sighs and puts his tea down. He turns towards me, his hair falling in his eyes.

"Forget about me. Just respect yourself, okay Dinan? I don't usually involve myself in the personal business of my squad, but something like this can affect us all. Eren's already kind of a loose cannon, and we can't afford for him to have any distractions. I understand. You're young, you want to experience normal things. Just experience them with someone that doesn't have the weight of humanity resting on their shoulders." He says. I almost feel as if there's a double meaning to Levi's words, and I don't like it.

"Don't we all have humanity resting on our shoulders though? Aren't we all in service to these people, whether we're Eren or not? I mean… I don't even think I could experience these things with someone not in the same position as me. Who else will understand me better than a soldier? Better than someone who doesn't know if they'll make it to tomorrow?" I say passionately.

"I guess what I'm saying is that I don't need some safe option, and everyone could use a distraction once in a while. We'll go crazy without it, won't we Captain?" I ask. I scoot closer to him, looking him in his eyes so he feels the passion of what I'm telling him. We stare into each other's eyes in a comfortable silence.

"You're right Dinan. It will drive you crazy. I'm just asking you not to get involved with Eren. Trust me, save yourself the trouble." He says standing up.

"Well, if not Eren, who?" I ask staring at the captain intensely. He looks me deeply in the eyes, sighs, and tells me to go train with the squad.

Little did we know that a certain titan shifter spied from the doorway and heard our conversation.


	10. Chapter 10

The scout regiment rode out into the green pastures beyond wall rose, in a strategic, ingenious formation. The diamond in the sky shone brightly down on me, heating my skin and warming my soul. So, this is what it feels like to exist beyond a wall? White cotton clouds loomed over us in the blue sky, clear as crystal, and I was filled with a sense of euphoria. How could a world so beautiful harbor creatures so ugly?

I look around as soldiers break out into their positions in the formation, and I can't help but feel agony while thinking of the safety of my friends. Will Connie be okay? Will Armin? With every mission, less and less scouts return, at least alive, or with bodies that are even recognizable. I can't but help but dread that these friends, these scouts, that I've come to love, will end up in a dead pile of bodies mangled beyond recognition.

But even more so than that, there's already one face I don't recognize among those of the scouts. My own. I peer at Eren, who is riding fiercely on his horse in the middle of the formation. Levi leads us, and Eld, Gunther, Petra, Olou and I surround Eren in a protective diamond formation. As my gaze burns into the back of his chestnut locks, I think back to horrible argument we had.

_The energy between Eren and I has suddenly turned cold. I have no idea why, but he won't speak to me, look at me, or even come near me. In the instances where he has absolutely no choice but to interact with me, he is curt and abrasive._

' _What's his problem' I think to myself. Every time he cuts fierce eyes at me, or huffs in my presence, all I can wonder is what his problem is. If he's upset with me, the very least he could do is tell me why, right? We're supposed to be good friends, and yet I'm being treated like some random bitch he can't stand. It's weird to me how he can just start being so mean to me out of nowhere, so I confront him._

_After the rest of the squad leaves the dinner hall and retreats to their rooms, I ask Eren to hang back before he returns to his basement. He complies begrudgingly._

" _What do you want Mahala" he asks with a roll of his eyes. Clearly, he doesn't want to play nice, and so I won't even try._

" _I want to know what your problem is. That's what I want. Whenever I'm around you give me the nastiest attitude, and it's bullshit. Why suddenly do you want to be such a jerk to me?" I ask fiercely. I don't usually have the confidence to speak up for myself, but if there's one person who taught me to never allow myself to be mistreated it's Eren._

" _Like you even care. Spare me the fake concern. Do us all a favor and stop pretending like you care about me, and stop pretending to be some nice caring girl. You showed me your true colors" He says with a huff and another roll of his eyes._

" _If I didn't care I wouldn't have asked. Do you honestly think I'd waste my time asking you shit I don't care about, knowing what waits for me on the other side of the wall in a few days? Where is all this even coming from? What colors did I show you?" I spit back quickly._

_Eren chuckles darkly and deadpans his gaze at me._

" _I saw you with Levi, basically crawling in his lap" he spits. I freeze at the mention of Levi, knowing exactly what he's talking about._

" _Exactly. You were practically begging him to give you the time of day. Who does that? Begging their superior to be romantically involved with them? Are you that lonely Mahala, has your past left you that insecure? You'll throw yourself at me, and then try to fuck the captain?" he says darkly. His eyes are filled with so much hate as he's looking at me, so much hurt and betrayal. I can't speak at all._

" _Nothing to say? It's because you know I'm right. And I saw the way Petra was looking at you. Blushing and hiding her cheeks like some schoolgirl. Did you make advances to her too? Did you make empty promises to her too? Are you that much of a slut?" he asks, basically yelling at this point._

" _It doesn't matter either way. I don't even know why you're on this squad. It's not like you care." He says smugly. I think this may have been my breaking point. I can admit when I'm wrong, and I can understand his hurt. But were we not friends? Have we not known each other for three years? Is this how you fight with a friend, is this how you let them know you're hurt?_

_And then to say I don't care. To say that I don't care about_ _**him,** _ _how could he ever say that?_

" _Eren. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I played with your emotions, but to say that I don't care about you? You're the fucking reason I'm here! There were so many times I was going to give up, so many times I was going to leave, but I joined the scouts for you! I joined the Levi squad for YOU! How dare you fucking say I don't care, when my only fucking purpose of being here is to fucking die to make sure that you live?" I screamed. My voice is hoarse and thick with tears and frustration._

" _You can be fucking mad! I get it. But to throw my past in my face? To mock me like these past three years have meant nothing?" I cry out. Some of the anger in Eren's stare has disappeared, and his smug hateful face has drooped into a frown, but it's too late for regret. We both dug ourselves a grave, and I'm hitting the final nails in the coffin._

" _I'm sorry that I almost kissed you! I'm sorry that I even spoke to the captain about you! But do I not deserve love? Happiness? I've spent my_ _ **whole**_ _life unloved, uncared for! I'm second to Mikasa. I'm second to Armin! I never get a fucking chance to forget it! I'm nothing but titan fodder in the eyes of everyone else, so long as_ _ **you**_ _survive! I'm about to go on an expedition that I realistically won't survive for_ _ **you**_ _. So, I'm sorry that I sought out some human connection. I'm sorry that I want to feel like I matter for once!" my voice cracks out._

_Eren was crying now too. His emerald eyes filled to the brim with tears, his cheeks red and his lips quivering, but not this time. I won't let those tears chain me to hell ever again._

" _You know what's saddest of all? You really were my best friend. I know I wasn't yours, but I've never loved anyone more than I've loved you. I was ready to die for you. I_ _ **wanted**_ _to die for you." I let out solemnly. I wiped the tears from my eyes and straightened my back._

" _But now, when my inevitable death grips me by my throat, and my life is swallowed away for your sake, all I'll feel is regret. I don't get to be the hero anymore. I'm just another disposable soldier for Eren Yeager." That would've made me feel so proud before. Now I feel nothing._

Eren and I have fought before, but never like that. I never thought we would be strangers to one another, yet here we are. Part of me can't help but blame myself though.

Am I really a slut? Am I so deprived of love, and touch, and intimacy that I'll throw myself at anyone? Was I throwing myself at Eren and the Captain? I love Eren, but I'm drawn to the captain as well. Every time I'm near him, despite the nerves he gives me, I feel a relaxing sense of familiarity like I've known him my whole life.

I guess I can't worry about that right now, though. My only job is to protect Eren. Don't feel, don't think, don't do anything but march on till the bitter end, for a boy that hates my guts.


End file.
